Thursday, August 10, 2017

Why I cut my hair... again.

Yes, I did chop my hair off... again. Here it is.

If I am being truthful I am very disappointed in myself by all these chops I do (this is the third one since 2010). If I am oversharing then I have been clinically depressed for many, many years and my impulse control has been basically non-existent. If you look through my old length photos you will see the many variations in weight over the past few years caused by depression and anti-depression medication. 
The pattern that I get into is this: I hit a very low, low point in my mood and start hating everything about my appearance. The fastest thing I can change is my hair and boom another chop happens. If I actually managed to grow my hair beyond waist length I would sincerely consider this a victory and progress in my psychological condition.
This photo is what triggered a very clear dislike for my hair: 

Because what I want to see is this:

I then started to think about how I can only make a cinnabun and that's it at such a long length. I couldn't even braid my hair because the layers make it fall apart within 2 hours. So I was like 'don't panic and do something rash, just do a little trim and everything will be sunshine and daisies again'. Then this happened:

This is after my small trim and it honestly looks worse than the previous one. It took a month but eventually I went full panic mode and cut my own hair to about shoulder length. (Truth be told I was off my medication for a couple of months because of stupid drug laws here, while I was looking for a new job. If I were on my medication things would have gone very differently). The DIY method I use for self trimming only really works if my hair is at least APL length so it didn't come out straight. In fact my hair was crooked and uneven in every way. 
The very next morning I drove around before work trying to find a place that would be open so early. I got lucky and found something, the lady there was very nice and helped straighten out the mess I made the night before. She also blow-dried my hair straight which is what you see in the first photo of this entry (that's as straight as it gets lol).
Fast forward to 2 months later and I miss the length. I don't miss the haircut and I know that when I got it originally I liked it, heck before the march photo I liked it. But it just got worse as my hair got longer. I couldn't wear it down knowing what it looks like and I couldn't wear it up because I was super bored of 2 years of cinnabuns and super messy pinned up braids (that I had to re-braid every few hours).
The good news is that I did manage to see my natural hair color for the first time in 16 years, and most likely for the last time. I just really, really hope that I won't do this ever again. So sad it worked out like this... again.


  1. I am dealing with hair breakage, but not because of the God damned flat iron and co! I am tired of ripping off my hair without knowing why. Until I found this:
    But I am not chopping off my hair. There are people who experience worse breakage than I do. So I am doing her method: When I will reach classic or almost class I will trim more. Classic length doesn't look good with layers and tapered for me. besides I will keep my hair at class for a while to get used to having long hair.
    About your depression now: are you surrounded by people who support you or people who are blabing constantly about what you don't have but should? My family is in the category mentioned above. Are you checking out also alternative hair care? Long hair community is not enough although it is quite a large community. I would really check out the things that really need a change and act accordingly instead of chopping off the extensions of my nervous system...

    1. My depression is the kind that needs to be medicated and does not depend on how people around me act, it's there no matter what.
      I think your hair would really benefit from this entry:


APL update.

Spring is in the air and I love the ever warming weather. Happy times. I should have reached APL a few months ago but I trimmed my hair twi...